


The Freud Jasmine Wellwater Resolution

by Flora (florahart)



Category: Big Bang Theory
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-24
Updated: 2009-12-24
Packaged: 2017-10-05 03:28:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,317
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/37316
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/florahart/pseuds/Flora
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A mistake leads Howard to Raj in the middle of the night.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Freud Jasmine Wellwater Resolution

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lauriegilbert](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lauriegilbert/gifts).



"Howard, what are you doing here?" Raj pulled his ugly but warm robe in tighter and knotted the sash. "It is--" he leaned back to check the glow of the clock on the DVD player. "It is two thirty-seven in the morning!"

"It's Bernadette," Howard said with a deep sigh. "We were, _you know_, and I…" He trailed off with a dip of his head, eyebrows raised, hand out as he bobbed his head a little.

Raj wasn't sure what to say. That is, it was clear Howard had done something foolish, and that he hoped Raj would invite him in, but among other things, he wasn't entirely sure he wanted Howard in his apartment at this hour. He maintained only a studio, and that meant his bed was right there, covers thrown back and sheets still warm from his body. Raj didn't want Howard sitting on his bed. Not like that, anyway. "You were what?" he asked.

"We were--" Howard leaned in close and dropped his voice, speaking with his teeth clenched as though this somehow made the conversation more private. "--_having sex_, and I, I, I called out the wrong name, all right?" He clenched his fists and glanced at Raj.

Raj stared at him. "How is that even possible? Is it not the case that this is usually the sort of problem men have, when they are attempting to maintain a complicated charade in which they are engaged in several sexual relationships at the same time and are therefore unable to recall, whilst struck with the white-hot moment of orgasm, into which pussy they are fucking?"

"Maybe." Howard looked uncomfortable, and didn't elaborate. Raj pressed his lips together and stepped back.

"Fine. Come in. I will make you a cup of tea."

"My people aren't real big tea--"

"Fuck off; you are in my apartment. I will make tea." Raj went over to his bachelor stove and turned on the burner that worked, and then ran a bit of water into the kettle. "I have jasmine, or jasmine."

"Jasmine it is, then." Howard knocked his fists together, thumb to thumb, in front of him, then put his hands on his hips for a minute before repeating the move as he paced. "I don't know what got into me."

"I am guessing an unfortunate amount of brisket," Raj said. He measured tea and waited for the water to boil.

Howard waved a hand. "No, it's not that. Brisket was last night. It was strangest thing, though. There I was, on her bed because, well, you know, I can't take her back to my place."

"I would imagine your mother's dulcet tones might put anyone off his game," Raj agreed.

"Yeah, you should hear her when I'm in the tub."

"I believe I shall pass, thank you." The water was simmering, and that was close enough; Raj pulled the kettle off the unevenly-glowing burner and turned off the heat.

"But I digress." Howard went back to pacing as Raj poured the water into the pot and set the lid on, the started gathering cups and saucers.

"I am afraid I do not entertain very often," he said.

"No, really?"

"Really. We shall have to make do with paper towels, rather than napkins."

"I'll try not to break out in hives. Where was I?'

"On Bernadette's bed, or with your mother in the tub." Raj shrugged. "Take your pick."

"God, that's a way to kill a mood. Are you all right?"

Raj poured the tea.

"On Bernadette's bed, naked, with her soft white legs straddling my--"

"If you refer to your own penis as enormous, I will laugh." Raj looked up between cups. "I am just warning you."

"My _more than adequate_ manhood, and as she impaled herself on me--"

"Did I not request that you discontinue your subscription to Romance Clichés Weekly for exactly such conversations as this one?"

"Well! What would you say?"

"That she was riding you." Raj grabbed a shortbread cookie out of a bag and brought the bag to the table along with the two cups of tea. "Were her breasts bouncing?"

"Not _yet_, and then they never started, because as she sank down, I said…I said…"

"You said, _I said_? Did she stop to learn what instructions she had missed?"

"No!" Howard took a sip of his tea and grimaced. "No, I said _Oh, Raj._ And she took offense! Got right back off, threw my clothes at me… and obviously it was just some sort of bizarre leftover moment from the Polar Event Which Shall Not Be Mentioned, but oh no, that wasn't enough explanation for Bernadette."

"You said _my_ name while your eager girlfriend had her sweet pussy grasping at your--"

"Oh _now_ who's working the porno clichés?"

"Fine." Raj took another cookie. "You, Howard, are an idiot."

"Duh," Howard said, spreading his hands out wide. "I can't believe I said it."

Raj finished his tea. "But I am curious."

"No, she doesn't dye anything."

"I was not going to assess the genuineness of her hair color. I am curious, why, if it was a Freudian slip brought about by the PEWSNBM, why did you not shout Leonard's name. You and he shared most closely, after all."

Howard gaped. "I'd never shout _Leonard_'s name! Leonard's sleeping with _Penny_. She nearly destroyed me once." He blew out one snorting chuckle. "Yeah, like I'm going to _that_ well again."

"It is never clear, is it? When one is supposed to be Rebekah, and when Ruth?"

"Beg pardon?"

"Rebekah goes again to the well. Ruth goest whither Naomi goes, unless I have reversed them."

Howard stared. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Raj set down his empty cup and took a deep breath. "Perhaps it is that you are visiting the wrong well, and your subconscious wishes you to address the problem."

"Wrong--what, you think I should dump Bernadette and go for _Penny_? Oh, _God_, no. Once she was done with me, Leonard would want to take a shot. Not that that would hurt, but still."

"I mean, Howard, that you called _my_ name."

Howard, miraculously, didn't say anything.

"I mean, you called my name _while you were fucking a perfectly attractive girl_, and since you do not know any girls named Raj, I shall assume that narrows the field accordingly."

Howard nodded slowly. "I can't believe I never…You and I do spend roughly seventy percent of our waking hours together, with and without Sheldon and Leonard--and sometimes Penny. We wouldn't do that if there weren't something…"

Raj nodded. "My parents would be quite appalled."

"Oh God, my _mother_." Howard set his half-full cup on the surface of the table. "So, what do we…"

"It would seem there are two choices." Raj held up one finger. "We do nothing, and remain as we have been."

"Yeah, that's impossible. What's the other one?"

"We get naked and fuck like bunnies." Raj grinned. "Probably with_out_ telling our mothers."

"Ever?" Howard stood. "That is. What if I don't want to be a secret lover?"

"You just want to be able to show off your hottie."

"Well, yeah. I mean, don't you?"

Raj stepped closer and looked down at Howard. "Howard, you wear terrible clothes, and your haircut is directly from nineteen seventy-three. I am not ashamed to be with you, but _showing_ you off may not be on my agenda."

"Gee, thanks," Howard said.

"_Sucking_ you off, on the other hand…"

Howard gasped. "Really?"

"Unless you would rather we first discuss your more than adequate manhood further, perhaps over tea."

Howard shook his head. "Can we, uh. Maybe fellatio isn't the natural starting point."

Raj slipped his fingers up under Howard's awful pullover and let them trail around to his back, then pulled him in close. "We'll start with kissing," he said. "After that, we will see what happens."


End file.
